Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
