Apparently you make a good broom.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
