Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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