1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once