return my video game
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.