Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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