I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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