Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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