checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
