Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
