ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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