I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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