youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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