so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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