i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
