so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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