I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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