Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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