yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
