the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
