ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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