cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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