U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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