what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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