i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
