Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
