Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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