Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
