Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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