everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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