Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
