we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
