I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
