3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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