Im at strip club and am horny
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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