Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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