Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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