shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
