Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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