I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Randomize
