If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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