I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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