So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
