Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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