I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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