Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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