I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
