And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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