So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
