my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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