we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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