I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
