He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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