literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
