hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ketchup is God's man juice
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
