I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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