It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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