i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
